Admission of Love
by LovemelikesnapelovedlilyALWAYS
Summary: This is based when Kathy asks Olivia to convince Elliot to sign the divorce papers. This is the way that i think it should have went... please review :)
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing recognizable.

It was dark. She parked the car and turned the headlights off. She took a deep breath. She didn't know why this was such a secretive meeting but none-the-less it was. She turned the car off.

She walked up to the blonde that called the meeting. "Did you want to make sure no one knew we were talking?" she said lightly.

"You were the only person I could think of," the blonde said.

"I still don't know why you wanted to talk to me."

"Because I know that you love him Olivia I'm not stupid." The blonde said in a matter-of-a-fact tone.

Olivia looked at the ground. She didn't think that her feelings were that obvious. "Kathy, I want you to know…."

"Just stop Olivia that's not why I'm here. I'm here because I want you to tell him to sign the divorce papers."

Olivia looked taken back, "Kathy that's not my place."

"Isn't it?"

Olivia furrowed her brow, "Kathy I don't know what you think is going on between me and Elliot but I can assure you that we have never done anything. I couldn't do that to you. I couldn't break up a family. Until a few months ago I couldn't even admit that I had feelings for him." She said before she could stop herself. Once she realized what she just said, and seen the reaction on Kathy's face she immediately regretted saying it. "I'm sorry." She whispered.

"No I know that nothing happened. I know that you are too good for that." Kathy said bitterly.

Guilt over ran Olivia's entire body.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean that in a bad way, I know you wouldn't try to break us apart. I also know you love him Olivia. What is there not to love?" she asked rhetorically. "Not to mention there are things about him that I will never understand that you will."

"I'm not going to feel guilty for doing my job." Olivia said sternly.

"I'm not asking you to. I'm asking you to please just get him to sign the papers."

"Kathy what makes you think that he is going to listen to me?"

"Don't try to play me, Olivia!" she said harshly, "You know that he will listen to you. You are his partner." She said lowering her tone. "He will listen to you because he loves you."

Olivia's face was full of shock. "He has never said…"

"He won't admit it. At least not to me. Or to himself. But I know him; I have known him since we were kids. I know when he is in love. He used to talk to talk to me about everything. He used to be my husband. Now, now he is yours. I lost him a long time ago. When he looks at me I can feel that he would rather be anywhere but with me. He would rather be with you."

"Kathy Elliot loves you. I see him every day. I see the look in his eye when you are mentioned. I know that he wouldn't do anything that would hurt you. Being with me would hurt you that's not Elliot."

"You see him every day that is exactly my point. There are days that he doesn't come home. There are days that he calls and says that he has to work late and that we shouldn't wait up for him. There are nights I don't even get a call he just comes in at midnight. His kids have already gone to bed. I am waiting up for him. Scared to death that something has happened to him. Just so that when he comes home we can argue. Don't you get it? You're what we argue about."

Once again Olivia was unable to look Kathy in the eyes. "Once again I will not apologize for doing my job. What I feel for Elliot, whether you want to hear it or not, what I feel for him goes beyond professionalism. I do love him. I know that I do but until this day, right now, I have not admitted that to anyone. Honestly it took me six years to admit it to myself. Do you know what it does to me to hear him talk about his perfect wife? The one that does no wrong. It kills me Kathy. I will never be you." She said looking up, "I will never be you." She whispered. "I love him and I will never have him because even though you are having troubles in your marriage I will never be you. He doesn't love me Kathy. He loves you. If I were you I would go to him. Tell him that I loved him and that I wasn't going to go anywhere and that we would work it out. I would tell him that I didn't want to give up. That I wanted to fight for us. Because our love shouldn't just be forgotten. Kathy, do you know what I go through with men? They are lucky to make it past the first date and that is because of what I do. Either they are scared off or they are too interested and I get scared off. You are lucky to have Elliot." She looked down again. "You are lucky to have someone that cares about you enough to try and shield you from what is out there."

"That's just it I don't want to be shielded. I want to be there for him and I can't, he won't open up to me. He said he don't want to bring work home with him." Tears were creeping from Kathy's eyes and sliding down her cheeks. "But he can talk to you. He can tell you what is bothering him about a case. But when I ask he just shuts me out!" she said raising her voice. "BECAUSE I'M NOT YOU! I'M NOT OLIVIA!" she screamed.

Olivia thought for a moment. She wanted to help Kathy; she knew that Kathy was hurting. She didn't like it. What Kathy said earlier about her being too good to do anything with Elliot was right. She couldn't stand herself if she was the reason that they were divorced. And from what Kathy was saying that was exactly what was happening in the first place.

"You said it kills you to hear him talk about me? What do you think it does to me? What do you think it does to me when he comes home and shuts down when I ask him how his day was? Or when I ask him about his day and all he can talk about is you. What do you think that does to me? What do you think that does to my relationship with my _husband_? Hearing how he wishes that you would just be happy for once. How he has to keep you close to protect you. How about the fact that he puts _you_ on a pedestal? The amazing Olivia Benson." She mocked.

"Kathy…."

"No I'm not done. I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt. I really did. I thought that Elliot having a female partner would help us because you would be sympathetic to him having a family and you would try to get him to be with us and remind him that he is married to me not the job. But when I met you, when I seen you, I knew that you were going to cause us to divorce. I knew that you were already falling for him. I could see it in your eyes. I could tell it by the way that you wouldn't look me in the eye when he walked away. I could see that you were in love with him. Olivia I'm not mad at you anymore. I'm passed mad. I just can't be with him. I can't hold him and wonder if he is holding me or holding you. I can't wonder anymore whether or not you are going to cross that line. I can't handle sitting at home wondering if he is really working or if maybe he is with you. But yet even if he is working he is going to be with you. You say that you would never do that? For how long Liv? For how long can you keep those feelings hidden? How long can you stand to keep hearing him say my name? If you want it all to stop just tell him to sign the damn papers."

Olivia's tears fell involuntarily down her face. "Kathy, please, I don't want to be the cause of your divorce." She pleaded.

"I don't feel sorry for you. Olivia, it is your fault."

Those words broke Olivia's heart. "That's the last thing I want, please, just let me try to fix this."

"It's too late, Olivia. You want to make it up to me? Get him to sign the divorce papers."

XXX

_Knock, knock, knock_

She waited outside his new apartment door waiting for him to answer.

The door swung open. There he was. His blue eyes shined even in the dim light of the hallway she was in.

He smiled, "hey what are you doing here? I thought you had a date."

"It wasn't a very long date. Can I come in?" she asked gesturing inside the door.

"Yea of course." He said moving to the side allowing her access.

She walked across the room to the couch and sat down. "El, I need to talk to you." She said already feeling her heart speed up.

He closed the door and crossed the room. He sat in the chair opposite the couch she sat on. "What's wrong are you ok?" he asked quickly.

"Physically? I'm fine."

"Is this about your date what did that bastard do to you I'll kill him." He said jumping up.

"No, no, no, please just sit down." She said grabbing his hand.

He looked down at her and saw the desperation in her eyes. She needed to talk to him.

"Please," she repeated.

He sat back down. "Liv what is this about? You're starting to worry me."

"I lied to you earlier."

Elliot's face instantly displayed his confusion.

"I didn't have a date per say. It was more of a meeting."

"With who?" he asked, hoping that the person was not who he thought it was.

"Kathy called me and asked me to meet her. She wanted to talk to me about something."

"And you went?" he asked.

She could feel him getting angry as she held his hand with both of hers. "Please just let me explain."

"What did she tell you? Did she tell you she wants a divorce? This separation thing was just supposed to be temporary and she wants to make it permanent. Did she tell you that?" he said getting defensive.

"She wanted me to talk to you. She wanted me to get you to sign the divorce papers."

"Why would she ask you?"

"El, will you please just calm down. She asked me because I'm your partner. And she knows that you are struggling with this she just thought that since you trusted me that maybe I could get through to you."

"So you are here to tell me that my wife doesn't want me anymore. I hear that enough from her I don't need to hear it from you too." He said standing up. He started pacing the living room. "Liv I can't give up on her. I love my family. I don't want to let her go."

Hearing him say those words had the same effect on her every time he said them. It was like a knife straight to the heart.

"I tried to tell her that." She said calmly, careful to not let her emotions show.

"You know she thinks that we are having an affair." He said quickly.

"I do now. That was another thing we talked about."

"You know I can't believe she called you. I can't believe that she would do that to you. I'm sorry. Liv I didn't want you to get in the middle of my mess. I tried to tell her that there was nothing going on between us. She just wouldn't give up. She said that we are too close to just be partners. She said that she knows that you have feelings for me. She said that a woman just knows what kind of crap is that?" he ranted. He stopped and looked at Olivia whose eyes were filling with un-fallen tears. "Liv?"

"It's not so ridiculous that I would have feelings for you." She said in a whisper. Her voice wouldn't go any louder due to the lump that grew in her throat.

Elliot just stood there. He was in shock. He didn't know how to respond to that.

She wiped the tears away. "Elliot I told Kathy tonight that she was right, that I do have feelings for you. I told her nothing would come of it because I couldn't break up a family and she said that it was too late. She knew you weren't hers anymore. She said that she lost you a long time ago. Elliot I tried to fix things I really didn't want to say anything I was just going to let these feelings go. I was just happy that you were happy. When you told me Kathy filed for separation. That hurt me. Somehow I knew that it was my fault. I knew that you were meant to be with her. I knew that your life was your family. And I knew that I didn't play a part in that. I tried to tell her that she didn't have anything to worry about because you loved her. She said that she could see it in your eyes that you have feelings for Me." she said. "Is that true? Elliot do you have feelings for me? Because if you do, then maybe," tears were falling fast and hard, "just maybe, I can stop feeling so guilty for loving a married man."

"Liv," he said in a whisper laced with sympathy.

She stood up. "That's all I needed to know." She barely verbalized, walking towards the door. She tried to be strong. She didn't want him to see her break down. She couldn't let him see her break down. After everything that has happened she couldn't handle him seeing her weak.

"Liv," he said chasing her. He grabbed her wrist before she could leave.

She turned around, "Elliot call your wife. So you can go home to your family." she said the lump in her throat growing.

Before she could turn to leave his lips met hers.

It was like electricity ran through her whole body.

No! This isn't what she wanted. She didn't want to want this. She didn't want to need this. But she did.

He pulled her closer, wrapping his arms around the small of her back.

She moved her hands up his chest. She felt his muscles through his shirt. He felt so good against her. She slid her arms up and around his neck, leaving no room between them.

He parted his lips to allow her access to his mouth.

That was all the invitation she needed. She slipped her tongue in his mouth.

She couldn't resist. She wanted to. Her brain was shouting _STOP!_ But it felt so natural. It felt like for the first time in her life this was where she was supposed to be. Here in this moment with him.

There was so much passion, so much intensity. Olivia began to cry. Her whole body started to quiver. She couldn't handle wanting this man. This married man.

He broke the kiss, "Liv, what's wrong?"

"This is wrong Elliot. I can't, I just can't do this. I want to, I want to so bad, but I can't do this." She said pushing him away.

"Liv, Kathy was right. It's true I do love you. But until now, until you were here asking me, I was unable to admit it. I couldn't even be honest with myself. I was afraid that you didn't love me. If I would have known then…."

"Then what, El? You wouldn't have gotten married?"

"Then I wouldn't have fought to save a marriage I didn't want to be in."

A/N: thank you so much for reading…. This is something that I once I started to think about it, it just wouldn't stop I have a couple ideas to keep it going but I think it could also stand as a one shot….. It's up to you just shoot me a review to let me know :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I own nothing recognizable. **

**A/N: thank you to everyone that has been reading and reviewing! I love it. Here is another chapter. **

She sat in her car. In the dark, in the silence, only she could hear her heart race. Her heart was still pounding as she recalled exactly what just happened.

_"It's not so ridiculous that I would have feelings for you." She said in a whisper. Her voice wouldn't go any louder due to the lump that grew in her throat…. "She said that she could see it in your eyes that you have feelings for Me." she said. "Is that true? Elliot do you have feelings for me? Because if you do, then maybe," tears were falling fast and hard, "just maybe, I can stop feeling so guilty for loving a married man."_

She pushed her tears away.

_"Liv," he said in a whisper laced with sympathy._

_ She stood up. "That's all I needed to know." She barely verbalized, walking towards the door…._

"_Liv," he said chasing her. He grabbed her wrist before she could leave._

_ She turned around, "Elliot call your wife. So you can go home to your family." she said…._

_ Before she could turn to leave his lips met hers…._

Her lips still tingled from his kiss.

_ He pulled her closer, wrapping his arms around the small of her back. _

_ She moved her hands up his chest. She felt his muscles through his shirt. He felt so good against her. She slid her arms up and around his neck, leaving no room between them._

She could still feel him all over her. Everywhere he touched was on fire.

_He parted his lips to allow her access to his mouth. _

_ That was all the invitation she needed. She slipped her tongue in his mouth._

She could still taste him. He was her new favorite flavor.

_"This is wrong Elliot. I can't, I just can't do this. I want to, I want to so bad, but I can't do this." She said pushing him away._

Her words echoed in her head.

_"I was afraid that you didn't love me. If I would have known then…."_

_ "Then what, El?..."_

_ "Then I wouldn't have fought to save a marriage I didn't want to be in."_

_ Her heart was about to pop out of her chest, it was pounding so hard. She waited so long to hear those words. She wanted him to want her. She knew it was wrong. She knew that this man made a commitment to another woman. She shouldn't even be there she needs to leave. "I've got to go." She said turning and walking out the door, closing it behind her. She walked a couple feet down the hallway and stopped. She began to sob. _

_ Why? Why did he have to be married? Why did she have to be so in love with him?_

_ She felt in her pocket for her keys. They weren't there. They must have fallen out of her pocket. She can't go back in there. She can't let him see her like this. _

_ She tried to gather her thoughts and calm down. She wiped her face. She took a deep breath. And walked back to his door._

_ She thought to herself, 'should I knock? Or just walk in? I didn't hear him lock the door yet.'_

_ She took another deep breath hoping it would give her the strength she needed to just walk right passed him and grab her keys and make it back out of the apartment. She was going to have to make sure she didn't make eye contact. If she were to make eye contact it would be over. She wouldn't be able to resist him. She had to just grab her keys and leave._

_ She walked in, he was still standing by the door she walked right passed him and over to the couch where she had been sitting and grabbed her keys and went to walk out when stopped her._

_ He picked her up of her feet and spun her around. He slammed the door and carried her off to his bed room._

_ "We can't Elliot. We can't do this." _

She chuckled remembering her words.

_ "Yes we can." He said, laying her on his bed._

_ "Elliot I really can't." she tried to deny him knowing that even though her mouth was saying 'no' her heart was screaming 'YES!'_

_ He began to kiss her neck. "Olivia you can do this."_

_ "No Elliot I can't." she said pushing him up._

_ He lifted himself over her. "You look me in the eyes and you tell me you're not supposed to be here. You tell me that this isn't meant to be. And I will stop. You tell me that you don't want this and I will stop right now. But if you know that this is as real as I do, then stay. Then stay and know that this is right. Know that this is what we are meant to be. Olivia I love you. I love you so much I wish I had the courage to tell you before now."_

_ She grabbed his face and pulled him to her. Her kiss silenced him. She slid her hands down his chest to his stomach. She grabbed his shirt and pulled his shirt up, only breaking the kiss to pull his shirt over his head. Then they met once more._

_ She pulled back slightly, breaking the kiss, and looking him in the eyes. "Make love to me El." She kissed him again, just to break it again, "I want you to make love to me." she said softly. _

She looked at herself in the rearview mirror. She wiped the tears from her face. She studied herself. Her hair was still a mess; she had mascara running down her face.

_He collapsed on top of her breathing heavily. _

_ Her whole body was spinning. She was in complete ecstasy. She couldn't move. _

Her body was still coming down from her climax. Her knees still weak, she wasn't sure she trusted herself to drive.

_"Elliot," she said looking at him. "I can't stay you know that right."_

_ He rolled off of her. "You don't have to go." _

_ "Elliot I can't stay. I have to go I have to have time to process this whole ordeal." She said sitting up, holding the sheet to cover her exposed body._

_ He shifted his weight and leaned on his elbow. He began trailing kisses up her arm. "You really don't have to go."_

_ She let out a soft moan. "I really don't want to but I can't think straight while I'm around you. I have a lot that I have to work through. And there is no way that I will be able to do that as long as I'm here." She laid back down on the bed next to him. "I want to make sure that I'm ready for this. I want to make sure that I am ready for everything that comes with whatever this is. I love you Elliot but the reason I wanted to let the feelings go is I wasn't sure if I was ready for all the responsibilities that were going to come with it." She kissed him, "I know that I love you. I know that you love me. But we have to think about all aspects of this. And I am going to have to do that before this becomes any more than what just happened."_

_ "What other aspects?"_

_ "Elliot, I may love you but my job is my life. We haven't thought about how this is going to affect that. We haven't thought about how this is going to affect anything. You are still married. I just need to sort this out. I will see you in the morning at work." She said getting out of bed and finding her clothes. _

Now here she was still sitting outside of his apartment. She still had jelly legs. But she had to leave. She needed to get home. It was already midnight. She had to get to work early. She needed her rest. Plus, there was still a lot of thinking she had to do.

A/N: I know this is a really short chapter but I promise the next chapter will be a lot longer... I hate posting short chapters but I think that this is a nice stop….. thank you and as always reviews keep it going.


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